Gay Sex Vs Straight Foreplay

People I know always wonder how the “others” have sex. By that, I mean homosexuals wonder what’s appealing to the heterosexuals and vice versa. Although there’s more mystery around lesbian sexual behaviour. Is porn true? Do they use dildos? Can they actually play about with their private parts with false nails an inch long? Do they know the in’s and out’s of our insides better than we do? There was only one thing for it. I met up with my friend Sirin, fashionable, daring, and a lesbian.

We did of course discuss what attracts her to women, and I to men but that’s not what you need to know. You could work that out for yourselves. I’m here to tell you tips “from the other side”. In the discussion I was shocked to discover there is barely any use of dildos. Yes, porn has lied to us yet again! And if there was a dildo, just like the real thing, there is more to it than just ramming it in aimlessly.
So far I thought straights must be winning. I mean if nothing is inserted what do you do? Well it turns out their sex is our foreplay, and it puts it to shame.

There were many techniques I heard of and there was a couple that stood out. One I call “the prolonged orgasm”. I’d already tried this with my partner, with it being his idea. This made me very pleased to realise he was on the same wavelength as Sirin – this meant he was a natural at amazing foreplay too! Men or ladies, if you’re enjoying “alone time”, this is what you need to know:
When a woman orgasms if you’ve done the job properly it can be so intense that after throbbing a bit it starts to hurt. This is when you automatically move his hand away (if your using your tongue fella’s, the good, throbbing intensity can be the same but as there’s less pressure than with a finger the pain won’t be so intense). Instead of moving away just stay there. The pain can be very painful but it’s an enjoyable pain, but a pain non the less, so when she orgasms, (you don’t need my help with that – unless she’s a mute it will be clear) release the pressure slightly of your finger. If it’s the first time doing this go a little slower too. Ladies, don’t push him away. Pull the cushions, pull his hair, bite his arm, but don’t push him away. It’ll be intense, amazing, and like nothing you’ve had before. The strangest mix of pleasurable pain you’ll be begging for more. The score stands thus: 1 – 1.

Another technique is called “Come Here” or “The Right Way To Finger A Girl”. Sounds grotesque, “fingering”. Images of two fingers pushing aimlessly stabbing your insides while you have to lay there not thinking about his hangnail taking a piece of you with him. Needless to say I never had a nice experience with it and therefore my beau has not been allowed to even try. I brought this up with Sirin. Turns out you men are just doing it wrong. If you ego’s are feeling battered that a lesbian is better at foreplay than you are, do your science research! Just google experiment to find g spot and there seems to be a thousand ways to do so. But life is about learning and fret not because now you know. According to Sirin you need arm power. Stick your forefinger and middle finger in and up, so the palm of the hand is facing you. Than do a “come here” motion, of moving the two fingers in unison towards you. Mix in twirling them around together, then twirling them with a slight come here motion. Once you start to see her enjoying herself, feel she’s wetter you continue doing “come here” motion moving you arm forward and getting further up, then down again. Now comes the best part, literally. This is particularly good for women who squirt. You’ll be able to tell when she’s about to come but tell her to let you know. As she does, pull out completely for a second then push back in. This will make her throb, and moan and feel pleasure like there’s no tomorrow. The reason it’s particularly good for those that squirt, is because they’ll release a bit when you pull your hand out then before they can relax you’ve gone back in and teasing it out of them again. Of course when you put your fingers back in don’t just sit there – keep doing the motions. And before you think this is myth, or you’ve tried it and it doesn’t work – it does! You just need to feel about until you get the reaction but those moves will do the trick once you’re in place. Believe me. My boyfriend and I figured for me to know for sure who’s got the better sex/foreplay we’d have to put it to the test. The score stands thus: 2-1 to the gay’s.

Of course oral popped up. As did just touching each other, kissing, dirty talk and it all boiled down to one conclusion. Lesbians take more time to learn their partner’s bodies than men. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure there are lesbians out there that just want their fill and go, and I know there are men that will take the time to discover every inch of a woman’s skin. But the general amount of men I know fixate on boobs, bum, crotch. Even when they get to the crotch they think it’s just a clit and a tunnel. Guys, lesbians are winning in the foreplay-sex war. If you’re with a woman, for the night, for a year or for life, take a leaf out of their book – learn everything about your lady. Yes, there are those sexual area’s but some get goosebumps when you stroke their back. maybe she like you giving her nips on her thigh? Try kissing her neck. Tonight why don’t you focus on her body and touch and kiss and caress her everywhere except her usual spots. And not for ten minutes! And eventually you can learn to do the same to her sensitive areas.

Don’t get me wrong. Not everyone finds it easy but there are people out there who are naturals. And men, if this starts to hurt your ego don’t think of it as you’re doing bad: you’re not. These are just techniques to try, which might just spice things up. Even if the flame doesn’t need to be relit, there’s no harm in trying something new. If anything this won’t only improve your foreplay, but you’re entire sex life, you’re love life and happiness. Hey, maybe next time the straights could win?

The Good, The Kinky, And The Down-Right Illegal.

It cannot be denied that even the most straight-laced person has their fetish. Thrust a foot in their face, or put on some leather and they could go wild. Our minds are creative, and we are designed to enjoy sex and in this day and age pushing the boundaries isn't a rarity. So if you want to spice up your love life, not want to knock something till you tried it or just want a laugh, here are a few fetish's that you might just enjoy ...

Acrotomophilia - One is sexually aroused by an amputated limp. If you date someone with this fetish, make a note to keep them away from tree stumps. Who knows where'll you'll end up doing-the-do then...


Coprophilia - When one gets off on having faeces rubbed on them. Now I'm a firm believer in each to their own but I smell an infection here. 


Mixophilia - Where you enjoy watching yourself or a partner engage in a sexual act, usually therefore a mirror is involved. My own experience of this was pretty damn hot, I must say. You look up and there you are on the telly. Well, the reflection but the same thing really. You don't delve that deeply into it when you're seconds from screaming the house the down.


Necrophilia - An arousal of sexual activity with a dead person. Possibly routed from playing too much Nazi Zombies on the Xbox.


Urophilia - Golden Showers. Urination of one on another. Tasty.


Telephonicophilia - Being talked to lewdly or talking dirty. Miranda from Sex and the City believes sex isn't a time for talking. I disagree. When the right words are said it can be very enjoyable. However this is where porn has possibly ruined sex-talk for some, as a bad American accent teamed with a toneless "Yeah, you like that, yeah? Lick my boot" when for example, there are no boots, is more likely to turn his Mini Me into something depicting a soggy flannel.


Formicophilia - Insects crawling on your genitalia. Itchy. Crabs. 



Podophilia - Foot Fetish. Say no more.


Apotemnophilia - People who enjoy this fetish like to have one of their limbs amputated, whilst being awake of course and highly unlikely they'll have anaesthetic. They have to be awake during the experience and this can allow them many hours of arousal for years to come. Personally I like my arms, but team a Apotemnophiliac with a  Acrotomophiliac (look at top) and you have the perfect sexual match! Until limbs run out.


As you can see there are many fetish's for all kinds of people and although some on here may make you cringe, to others it's a turn on. You may like dirty talk, that could be too tame. Although some are just illegal, I'm looking at you Necrophilia Lovers, we should learn not to look down on others for different tastes and to not knock it until you tried it. Those bugs on your crotch could be a slight health risk though ...

Bucks Fizzing Out

Once upon a time, in a large house in Hampstead a very flirty guy and a very horny girl met over a bottle (or three) of Bucks Fizz. After a few weeks of innocent but incredibly teasing dates they began a relationship that popped and fizzed just like the Bucks. After weeks of only kissing, of feeling like a teenager again by only allowing the tension to build they cemented their relationship with possibly the best sex the horny girl ever did have.
After a home made dinner at his and two bottles of the finest red wine he could afford they lay on the sofa and kissed. Softly, their lips brushed past each others, their tongues teasing the other flicking past it lightly. Then he grabbed her round the waist and pulled her on top of him. As she straddled him his hands ran along her body, her skin feeling his touch through her silk dress, making her shiver in places she never knew she could. As she pulled her head back and gasped he carried her to the bedroom where he gave her multiple orgasms before producing an almighty fizz she'd waited weeks for. When finished Bucks held her, but not for long because Bucks' Fizz was ready to go again.
This story seems unrealistic once you pass the age of 16 but it does exist. They're fairytale was truly wild. In fact she was lucky if she got an hour to get her senses together. He enjoyed giving her "special treats" and she enjoyed the perfection of his giving abilities. Now before you consider this a fling, there was fizz elsewhere other than sex as well. They liked the same movies, swapped iPods, enjoyed the same wine and food, and humour-wise they made each other laugh more than anyone else could. Horny girl really thought this could go somewhere. She felt like she was walking on air, and Bucks felt likewise.
However today I am not with Bucks. Hard to believe I know, I mean if you find someone that makes you come without fail every time, you don't pass up! Great sex is hard to come by. But what if you don't want it. You gotta have spark if you're going to come. No matter what he does with it, if you don't want it you won't get it. And that is this fairytale's ending.
It was all going great. We'd been fizzed-up for two months, I'd nearly been fired for being late to work (in the morning and after lunch breaks), shower bill had basically doubled and I'd had 1 dress and 2 shirts ripped. Overall a mind-blowing 2 months. Then suddenly I started noticing other men again. I'd look at other men and find myself eye-shagging them, or accepting their drinks at bars and one night found myself on top of one in the club toilets, stark naked. Things with Buck had become routine. We'd gotten comfortable with each other.         He would come over and before I would jump into his arms, and we'd stand in my hallway kissing and touching each others bodies everywhere reaching every bit of skin we could, and if we talked the chemistry sparked and once we got the vital information out of the way we'd go straight into bouncing on the beds. It was wild. We'd have dinner and we'd make each other laugh and talk about our pasts, what we'd done that day, anything we could. By this point, about 3 months in, it wasn't that we'd argue, or disliked each others company at all. Things had just gotten same-y. We'd gotten to know each other quite well. For instance, I'd know he'd come round to mine for dinner, a peck on the lips at the door then we'd sit down and have a laugh about our day, eat, watch some telly with some wine and chat and either he'd go home or he'd stay the night we's have sex and he'll go the next day. It was nice, and really romantic and sweet and I would have loved it with anyone else but with him our connection was passion. Not romance. Was I just being selfish? Just wanted what I couldn't have, because it wasn't there? It felt like although it was lovely it wasn't right with him. Maybe we all do it. We say we want romance and love and to feel that connection you think doesn't exist until you feel it but what if when we get it we decide we want something else. It doesn't just happen in love. We want long hair when it's short, we work our way to smaller sizes and see voluptuous women and decide we want to be bigger. It's inevitable to always want what we can't have, and maybe that's why my perfect whirlwind romance lasted almost 4 months. The passion was there, just in other ways, ways I didn't want. It didn't seem to fit, and I was so sure of that. So could it be true? Do we just want what we can't have or is it possible that romance doesn't work with everybody?

Every woman I talk to wants romance. Sometimes this can come as a shock. Take Kristen, Manchester. She's not exactly a blushing flower. Out of her male friends there is only 2 unslept with, and they're gay. Her favourite hobby is at parties or get-together's, when there's drink and music, table dancing and sex-kitten style crawling around before choosing one and taking him off for a one man viewing with half her clothes already gone. She doesn't believe in keeping your sex life a secret and the more men that find out about her, uh, promiscuity, the better for her and her little black book. However on a recent catch-up for lunch she admitted something no ears have heard before:
"I was in love once. It was amazing. The intensity. The Laughs. Just lying in bed for hours on a Sunday morning getting up to make tea or stick another DVD on. Saturday nights in with him were better than going out and getting off my tits. Then one day he said the spark was gone. He wanted passion, wildfire. I offered him everything and he choose some tart instead." After this is when Kristen started to become more "passionate", the wildfire she felt he wanted, and that all the other men got. And though she does enjoy it, the thrills and the power, she lusts after love more. If Kristen could feel that way, maybe I was just being a bitch with Buck...maybe I wanted what I couldn't have.
I talked to Riley about my past experience with passion and she believes with some people romance shouldn't exist.
"Sometimes it's like fart and porn. Just doesn't go together. Those that believe it does, try but inevitably realise they're holding onto a lost cause. Sometimes it's a connection where you have your fun but in time you'll have to set it free."
I prefer this way of looking at it. Who knows, maybe it is actually true. I mean if you know it's better to leave some one night stands at that, why isn't it right to leave a passionate two-month romance at that? Sometimes you just need to let your hair down for a while.
We ended on good terms, and though we clicked perfectly that was the reason we decided not to stay in touch. If we did we would've kept going until we ended on bad terms. I see him every now and then at get together's. And yes, I do take him home and enjoy the benefits of his Little Buck, but we know that's where it should stay. And there's nothing wrong with that. When settling down feels right, I'll do it. Just because I'm a woman doesn't mean I have to become a Housewife just yet.

The Princess and the Sheep

Traditionally a relationship is a partnership where to people make decisions equally. They talk it through with each other, and share the burden together and are there for each other. This, of course, is in the perfect world. Unfortunately, despite the Suffragettes die-hard attempts at equality, we may get the vote in parliament but not always in the relationship. Are we as a gender still submissive in the decision making, or is it that the males just haven't matured? Or have we not matured at all, and are we all on the same wavelength just we nag more? Do our opinions not count as highly as man's out of the workplace as well, with us taking control of food shopping but "not being able" to handle the bills? Overall, is there really equality in a relationship?

When it comes to sex, equality can be good and bad. Obviously it's good in the way that at any point one would be willing to try something for the other. And although that's a quality worthy of boasting about in a relationship, as it gives you the opportunity to explore the body and mind of another in ways you may not think of... it's bad as in sometimes you want to have sex, not talk about it. Maybe a little inequality is good when he comes home, throws you on the bed and gets out his Long John Silver. This is of course, if he is a tentative enough lover to understand that although he may be in control, that means letting you loose. If, however, the sex is unequal in that it goes one person's way, and ends once that person has had their way then that's when you either have a long talk, or they're out in their underwear.

When it comes to opinions equality is certainly debatable. In one corner we have: Inequality for Women. Ria and Mr Britz have been dating for a long time. They've overcome troubles of different timetables, living far apart and Girls Who Don't Care About Relationship Status. Yet the spark has just started to fizzle out. Sad as it is, Ria realised she couldn't hold onto the past any longer and decided to talk it through with Mr Britz. The discussion resulted in one sentence from Ria, and an hour long speech from Mr Britz. He agreed, but his opinion had the added edge of Blame: on Ria. She always had a problem, always nagged him, never understood that sometimes he's just tired at the end of the day and wants to watch the football in peace, that on the weekends he likes to see his friends. Of course Ria was prone to the odd nag - it's in a woman's genes - but accusing her of holding him back from friends or invading his personal time? Definitely an exaggeration. As women go, Ria is a strong believer in personal space and spending time apart - but considering that the day of their "conversation" was the first day they spent together just the two of them for a month, minus the ten minutes of phone sex they had three weeks before (which ended when he came) he didn't have much of a basis for an argument.
The conversation was strung out for the next week and a half before Ria gave up. They had the same opinion, that the spark had disappeared and they seemed to be fading out, but he refused to admit it just happened naturally and assuming there had to be blame, it would be her. His refusal to even let her defend herself, never mind lay any blame on him, led to an inequality in the relationship for her, and a herpes rumour for him.

Of course men have their fare share of inequality too. In the other corner: Riley, sick of Unfaithful Married Man making her feel less guest of honour and more Pretty Woman, had begun dating The Hobbit, a man who tainted to her every need and was, without fail, at her side as soon as could be, buying her coffee, taking her out to expensive restaurants, minding his p's and q's. Nothing harmless, maybe a bit too nice, but nothing to cry about. So why is it when one night, they're at a plush Chinese restaurant in the West End, and he reaches over to her side of the Chinese platter they're sharing... with disastrous consequences. Needless to say she never got a call from Hobbit again, he never ate Chinese again, and neither of them went to the Chinese restaurant again. Hearing your friend overreact over a chicken ball is bad enough to make you cringe, without the realisation that if that was a man in her position, the feminists would freak.

It seems there's always someone in charge. The annoyer and the annoyee. That is a pessimistic way to look at it admittedly, but when you're in a relationship where it's long term and you're living together it can be the way you see it at times. But despite this, there can be ways in which you are equal - ways in which you'd prefer not to be.
Mr Millwall and I have been living together since October. At first everyone's on their best behaviour. He puts the toilet seat down, I don't complain if he sits on my favourite side of the sofa, we make each other coffee's and pour glasses of wine, and try not to steal the cover. Then it starts to slide. Of course it does nobody can keep up that kind of sit-up-straight, chew with small bites behaviour forever. He'll give me a massage "later", I make sure I get on that side of the sofa first, and bits of pee appear on the toilet seat. But although this may cause nagging from either side, it's equal. We are both equally manly within our habits. Maybe it's having a man around the house as an influence, but although there's this nagging buzzing inside my head locked in like a cage I won't mind the clothes and magazines scattered across my floor making it impossible to move. I used to feel self conscious blowing my nose in front of others, yet I'll openly walk around hooting for all I'm worth (we are however, unequal in that I will ALWAYS use a tissue). We both eat unusual mixes of meals, and snack on crisps and chocolate uncontrollably throughout the day. My 100 sit-ups a night have dwindled to 0, and you know what? I honestly couldn't care. Admittedly I do at times look at myself and feel more Bridget Jones than Audrey Hepburn, particularly when I (eep!) allow a trumpet solo to unashamedly slip out while while watching a film. And although certain habits that have rubbed off on me I have toned down - I've reorganised my room, stopped the trumpeting unless absolutely necessary, and am allowing some healthier food back into the kitchen. He also puts the seat down, maintains hygiene, and offers to give me a back massage when my boobs have caused more ache and pains than they're worth. All in all, a pretty equal relationship. I'm not saying it's always perfect - nothing is always plain sailing. And where we may sometimes disagree in opinions, and may enjoy the company of others from time to time, I know I can come home to him at the end of the day and he'll make me a glass of wine, and I'll let him sit on that side of the sofa.

Liar, Liar.

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